Hypothetical situation alert!

For some reason you are forced to eat foods that begin with the same letter for the rest of your life. What letter do you pick, and which food(s) inform your decision?

Rules: no proper nouns (c for chipotle is not allowed), and no using the letter of a style of food – if you want bbq chicken, you have to pick C, not B.

Amendment: once a letter has been used, it is off the table. no repeats people! (obviously, this stimulating alpha-gastro-quiz can support but a finite number of participants)

 

They be owlin'

Just when you thought you were used to seeing people impersonate pieces of drift wood atop random objects such park benches and grocery cart returns, the idea died...only to be replaced by the way more intense, ankle-strengthening pose - owling. No doubt the result of seeing a tootsie pop commercial during a bad trip, owling is it now people, get on board!*

(*Note: 'board' is used here so as to say, 'get on the ship' or 'join the crowd' and is no way to be understood as a coded synonym for planking. For proof that the two are not interchangeable, remember, your 17th century self, who was surely a surely pirate, would never have said 'walk the board').

you sell what?!

The traveling-salesmen is oft-forgotten, save for 50s inspired tv ads and reruns of Pleasantville. Whether vacuum cleaners or a hand-held mixer with an amazing 3 speeds, the traveling salesman had the latest innovations at bargain basement prices for every ordinary suburban housewife. However, door-to-door sales, albeit due to increased crime rates or the women's rights movement, have been replaced by infomercials and charming in-store sales reps. Unlike the milk man, whose friendly demeanor and glass vessels of milk are remembered with fondness, the traveling salesman is stereotyped as a smarmy manipulator not unlike a used car sales man, though, perhaps without the  wife-beater and stogy which are characteristic of such proprietors.

The modern salesman works inside stores and inside bars. In the store he tries to charm women into buying products and in the bar he tries to impress women with the products he sells, simultaneously feeding his own ego while planting the seed in an unassuming female mind that both he and the product he peddles are desirable. Ultimately, it is the product that determines a salesman's success in both endeavors. Let's say a man sells rare gemstones and is privy to a hefty company discount. That may be enough to get a lady to consider both a new garnet necklace as well as a short-term relationship, despite the fact that the man may be a dwarf who lives with six of his friends and a chick with a severe apple allergy.

What then happens if you sell inflatable kayaks? Something the urban girl on the go (its 2011 people, suburban housewives shop at Target, not specialty stores) has no need for?True, a flash flood may occur in which case a flotation device would be helpful, but the urban girl is, by virtue of being urban, surrounded by extremely tall buildings, a number of which have flat roofs on which to sit. So what happens to this salesman, with nothing to sling to detract from his unbecoming qualities, nothing to compensate for his inefficiencies?

The answer? Absolutely nothing.

It's a Tanner Family Tradition! Dueling Staircases

The 2pmLunchCrew debated Full House episodes today in attempt to reconstruct the layout of the Tanner family house. Two seemingly unconnected staircases, 4 bedrooms of rotating owners, the question of 'is the first room on the left at the top of the stairs a bathroom or Danny's room?' (apparent answer: both), where is the entrance to the attic, and the list continues. Much more thought must be invested in this topic.

2pm Infomerrcial

Go Green! Never buy, wash, or fold a sheet again with Nickelodeon's new character-plastered mattress collection. Are you the parent of a bed-wetter, plagued by embarrassing pee stains? With you and your bed-wetter in mind, Nickelodeon mattresses are now available in Sponge Bob yellow!

Reasons Why Cameron Diaz Should be Tased

1. Her clothes are more memorable than her acting.
2. Her clothes come from a junior's department.
3. Her contribution to My Best Friend's Wedding was sobbing, a karaoke song, and a bad haircut. (Yet she still convinced her fiance NOT to leave her for Julia Roberts!?!?!)
4. Something About Mary. (No further explanation needed).
5. Injuring ears everywhere with three hours of her 'Irish accent' in Gangs of New York.
6. Every single scene from The Sweetest Thing.
7. Her cackle.
8. Having the audacity to think she could EVER be one of Charlie's Angels.
9. Stealing scripts and magazine covers from actresses who actually have talent and beauty.
10. For being Cameron Diaz.

expanding the Napoleonic Code to include coworker birthday celebrations

The 2pmLunchCrew ran into a hick-up today. You see, a member of the illustrious panel celebrated a birthday yesterday, so Crew rules necessitate a celebration of some sorts today at lunch. However, said panel member began eating cereal (Cheerios with skim milk) at 1pm...yes, I said 1pm. This caught the Crew off-guard as, as another panel member pointed out, there's no going back once the milk hits the o's.

This event has brought up a debate amongst the Crew as to the rules and expectations of birthday festivities. It has been posed that, any and all Crew members should forgo the fake 'oh you guys!' and own up to the fact that, when it is your birthday, you come to work EXPECTING a free meal! You aren't surprised people remember and reward your aging with high-caloric fast food; on the contrary, if you DIDN'T get that perk you would angrier than a panel member getting maced!

Here is the debate, as it unfolds...

Ok…going forward, let’s just make it a rule that on your bday, food, in some capacity, will be provided for you at lunch! No more of this coy, ‘aww guys!’ stuff….everyone gets food, it’s not a hope or assumption…it’s a fact. And if for some reason you don’t, you have every right to exact your revenge. 

Well to be fair, it can be difficult to guess if its coming before or after if youre not in the office on your actual birthday. Lets just replace the food with a briefcase full of money, that way you cant spoil it by eating a snack at your desk.  if you want, I’d be ok with backdating this new practice.

True, but if the “before” date comes on a half day Friday when we do not have lunch and that “before” date has passed without any type of celebration, you can bet on the fact that the “after” date will have a celebration of some kind during the normally scheduled lunchtime.

And if the “before” dates contains the number seven, it’s automatically moved one half-day forward…unless the moon is in the waxing stage.  Then everything gets flip-flopped. (Briefcase of money is easier.)

 The debate is on-going...