It's a Tanner Family Tradition! Dueling Staircases
The 2pmLunchCrew debated Full House episodes today in attempt to reconstruct the layout of the Tanner family house. Two seemingly unconnected staircases, 4 bedrooms of rotating owners, the question of 'is the first room on the left at the top of the stairs a bathroom or Danny's room?' (apparent answer: both), where is the entrance to the attic, and the list continues. Much more thought must be invested in this topic.
2pm Infomerrcial
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Go Green! Never buy, wash, or fold a sheet again with Nickelodeon's new character-plastered mattress collection. Are you the parent of a bed-wetter, plagued by embarrassing pee stains? With you and your bed-wetter in mind, Nickelodeon mattresses are now available in Sponge Bob yellow!
Reasons Why Cameron Diaz Should be Tased
- Her clothes are more memorable than her acting.
- Her clothes come from a junior's department.
- Her contribution to My Best Friend's Wedding was sobbing, a karaoke song, and a bad haircut. (Yet she still convinced her fiance NOT to leave her for Julia Roberts!?!?!)
- Something About Mary. (No further explanation needed).
- Injuring ears everywhere with three hours of her 'Irish accent' in Gangs of New York.
- Every single scene from The Sweetest Thing.
- Her cackle.
- Having the audacity to think she could EVER be one of Charlie's Angels.
- Stealing scripts and magazine covers from actresses who actually have talent and beauty.
- For being Cameron Diaz.
expanding the Napoleonic Code to include coworker birthday celebrations
The 2pmLunchCrew ran into a hick-up today. You see, a member of the illustrious panel celebrated a birthday yesterday, so Crew rules necessitate a celebration of some sorts today at lunch. However, said panel member began eating cereal (Cheerios with skim milk) at 1pm...yes, I said 1pm. This caught the Crew off-guard as, as another panel member pointed out, there's no going back once the milk hits the o's.
This event has brought up a debate amongst the Crew as to the rules and expectations of birthday festivities. It has been posed that, any and all Crew members should forgo the fake 'oh you guys!' and own up to the fact that, when it is your birthday, you come to work EXPECTING a free meal! You aren't surprised people remember and reward your aging with high-caloric fast food; on the contrary, if you DIDN'T get that perk you would angrier than a panel member getting maced!
Here is the debate, as it unfolds...
This event has brought up a debate amongst the Crew as to the rules and expectations of birthday festivities. It has been posed that, any and all Crew members should forgo the fake 'oh you guys!' and own up to the fact that, when it is your birthday, you come to work EXPECTING a free meal! You aren't surprised people remember and reward your aging with high-caloric fast food; on the contrary, if you DIDN'T get that perk you would angrier than a panel member getting maced!
Here is the debate, as it unfolds...
Ok…going forward, let’s just make it a rule that on your bday, food, in some capacity, will be provided for you at lunch! No more of this coy, ‘aww guys!’ stuff….everyone gets food, it’s not a hope or assumption…it’s a fact. And if for some reason you don’t, you have every right to exact your revenge.
Well to be fair, it can be difficult to guess if its coming before or after if youre not in the office on your actual birthday. Lets just replace the food with a briefcase full of money, that way you cant spoil it by eating a snack at your desk. if you want, I’d be ok with backdating this new practice.
True, but if the “before” date comes on a half day Friday when we do not have lunch and that “before” date has passed without any type of celebration, you can bet on the fact that the “after” date will have a celebration of some kind during the normally scheduled lunchtime.
And if the “before” dates contains the number seven, it’s automatically moved one half-day forward…unless the moon is in the waxing stage. Then everything gets flip-flopped. (Briefcase of money is easier.)
The debate is on-going...
the end is near...
So, for one minute lets ignore the fact that there has been no post, decent or otherwise, made on the LotA blog since April. Lets instead focus on what unmentioned and unreported events have occurred...and lets try to capture their essence while we still have the chance, because the world has been going crazy...spiraling towards the imminent apocalypse!
Sign #1: The ocean may, at this point, be more oil than water. Gulf coast restaurants, tourists attractions, and ways of life have been permanently jeopardized and literally halted...as if Louisiana needed more devastation. Things have escalated to the point that James Cameron has been called in for advice and the list of possible 'solutions' includes drilling more holes in the ocean floor.
Interpretation: The price of shrimp cocktail at Red Lobster will rise drastically.
Sign #2: The Touchdown Jesus in a conservative Ohio town got struck by lightening and consequently burned down. The event has been heavily covered and ridiculed on Facebook and Twitter.
Interpretation: God meant the whole 'graven image' thing. He prefers abstract Twitter handles.
Sign #3: KFC has partnered with charity, donating $1 for every bucket sold to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Further KFC commitment to health concerns manifested in the hormone-injected Double Down, their Atkins-friendly response to the growing obesity problem in America.
Interpretation: Mass-consumption of KFC is the only way to squelch a chicken proletariat uprising.
Sign #1: The ocean may, at this point, be more oil than water. Gulf coast restaurants, tourists attractions, and ways of life have been permanently jeopardized and literally halted...as if Louisiana needed more devastation. Things have escalated to the point that James Cameron has been called in for advice and the list of possible 'solutions' includes drilling more holes in the ocean floor.
Interpretation: The price of shrimp cocktail at Red Lobster will rise drastically.
Sign #2: The Touchdown Jesus in a conservative Ohio town got struck by lightening and consequently burned down. The event has been heavily covered and ridiculed on Facebook and Twitter.
Interpretation: God meant the whole 'graven image' thing. He prefers abstract Twitter handles.
Sign #3: KFC has partnered with charity, donating $1 for every bucket sold to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Further KFC commitment to health concerns manifested in the hormone-injected Double Down, their Atkins-friendly response to the growing obesity problem in America.
Interpretation: Mass-consumption of KFC is the only way to squelch a chicken proletariat uprising.
Fans of processed meats, unite!
Last week the Crew's favorite red-head mentioned an intense fondness for braunschweiger (a tubular shaped loaf of smoked liver paste)...and with that came the early-beginnings of a lunchtime challenge. This week, that intrepid red-head located said braunschweiger and divided it, pizza style, into wedges for the groups consumption. All personal opinions of the mystery meat aside, the cold cut truth is that the collective 2pmLunchCrew palette is peppered with processed meat fondness.
Sure, we've all experimented...dabbled in the world of jerky, canned 'chicken,' and the ever-present and often force-fed mystery meats favored by cafeteria workers. (Have you ever seen a frozen turkey-loaf that is half dark meat on the bottom and half white meat on top? You literally cook this processed-turkey-meat-hybrid and slice it, so you have a perfectly shaped 50-50 meat patty every time! Ponder that for a minute). But in the hierarchy of processed meats, somewhere between the seemingly indestructible SPAM can and the Holy of Holys...the corn dog*...fall a selection of lovable and unhealthy eats that tickle the tastebuds. For every braunschweiger fan in the 2pmLunchCrew there is a devotee of bologna or salami. There is deep affection held for the summer sausage, non-all-beef hot dog, and McDonald's chicken nuggets (What exactly are those hard little bits you chomp down on every 8th nugget or so, and how has McDonalds avoided a lawsuit over the equally inevitable and exorbitant dentist bill that follows said chomp?). There is also a cheerleader for the elusive Amish Country made 'trail bologna' (still not sure what that is, but we're assured it's not a cow pie).
Despite the fact that we live in a world where stomach and ovarian cancer can be tied to the excessive consumption of processed meat, we continue to salivate when we smell baked made-with-rib-meat chicken patties. At the end of the day, you can grind up anything you want, mash it together and put it between bread and someone, somewhere will eat it. Our hunter-gather ancestors would be ashamed...but then they would probably taste a Rodeo Burger at which point they would put down their spears and don a Burger King crown.
*labeled as such because it is a self-contained meal on a stick, and everyone knows if it's on a stick its automatically superior (aka holy)
Sure, we've all experimented...dabbled in the world of jerky, canned 'chicken,' and the ever-present and often force-fed mystery meats favored by cafeteria workers. (Have you ever seen a frozen turkey-loaf that is half dark meat on the bottom and half white meat on top? You literally cook this processed-turkey-meat-hybrid and slice it, so you have a perfectly shaped 50-50 meat patty every time! Ponder that for a minute). But in the hierarchy of processed meats, somewhere between the seemingly indestructible SPAM can and the Holy of Holys...the corn dog*...fall a selection of lovable and unhealthy eats that tickle the tastebuds. For every braunschweiger fan in the 2pmLunchCrew there is a devotee of bologna or salami. There is deep affection held for the summer sausage, non-all-beef hot dog, and McDonald's chicken nuggets (What exactly are those hard little bits you chomp down on every 8th nugget or so, and how has McDonalds avoided a lawsuit over the equally inevitable and exorbitant dentist bill that follows said chomp?). There is also a cheerleader for the elusive Amish Country made 'trail bologna' (still not sure what that is, but we're assured it's not a cow pie).
Despite the fact that we live in a world where stomach and ovarian cancer can be tied to the excessive consumption of processed meat, we continue to salivate when we smell baked made-with-rib-meat chicken patties. At the end of the day, you can grind up anything you want, mash it together and put it between bread and someone, somewhere will eat it. Our hunter-gather ancestors would be ashamed...but then they would probably taste a Rodeo Burger at which point they would put down their spears and don a Burger King crown.
*labeled as such because it is a self-contained meal on a stick, and everyone knows if it's on a stick its automatically superior (aka holy)
A 'bowl' of fruit
What do you get when you cross 1/2 a pint of ripe strawberries, a large Florida orange, a perfectly ripened Chiquita, and a third-grade-reenactment-of-Snow White-worthy apple? A fruit salad for one of course!
What would your friendly neighborhood nutritionist have to say about eating a fruit salad of these proportions? A salad that literally spilled out of a large soup bowl it was so huge? (for the record, despite the enormous nature of the salad and that fact that no present bowl could contain it, our 2pmLunchCrew-er continued to add fruit...you can't NOT put in the orange once you've come this far, right people!?) Well, according to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, a person on a 2,000-calorie diet should consume two cups of fruit a day. So, bring your measuring cups tomorrow because there may be some fruit-consumption calculations going down!
In addition to holding a fruity intervention, tomorrow will also mark the inevitable return of the meatloaf sandwich (sans extra ketchup) and hopefully (fingers crossed!) the VH1 re-airing of King Pin!
What would your friendly neighborhood nutritionist have to say about eating a fruit salad of these proportions? A salad that literally spilled out of a large soup bowl it was so huge? (for the record, despite the enormous nature of the salad and that fact that no present bowl could contain it, our 2pmLunchCrew-er continued to add fruit...you can't NOT put in the orange once you've come this far, right people!?) Well, according to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, a person on a 2,000-calorie diet should consume two cups of fruit a day. So, bring your measuring cups tomorrow because there may be some fruit-consumption calculations going down!
In addition to holding a fruity intervention, tomorrow will also mark the inevitable return of the meatloaf sandwich (sans extra ketchup) and hopefully (fingers crossed!) the VH1 re-airing of King Pin!
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