expanding the Napoleonic Code to include coworker birthday celebrations

The 2pmLunchCrew ran into a hick-up today. You see, a member of the illustrious panel celebrated a birthday yesterday, so Crew rules necessitate a celebration of some sorts today at lunch. However, said panel member began eating cereal (Cheerios with skim milk) at 1pm...yes, I said 1pm. This caught the Crew off-guard as, as another panel member pointed out, there's no going back once the milk hits the o's.

This event has brought up a debate amongst the Crew as to the rules and expectations of birthday festivities. It has been posed that, any and all Crew members should forgo the fake 'oh you guys!' and own up to the fact that, when it is your birthday, you come to work EXPECTING a free meal! You aren't surprised people remember and reward your aging with high-caloric fast food; on the contrary, if you DIDN'T get that perk you would angrier than a panel member getting maced!

Here is the debate, as it unfolds...

Ok…going forward, let’s just make it a rule that on your bday, food, in some capacity, will be provided for you at lunch! No more of this coy, ‘aww guys!’ stuff….everyone gets food, it’s not a hope or assumption…it’s a fact. And if for some reason you don’t, you have every right to exact your revenge. 

Well to be fair, it can be difficult to guess if its coming before or after if youre not in the office on your actual birthday. Lets just replace the food with a briefcase full of money, that way you cant spoil it by eating a snack at your desk.  if you want, I’d be ok with backdating this new practice.

True, but if the “before” date comes on a half day Friday when we do not have lunch and that “before” date has passed without any type of celebration, you can bet on the fact that the “after” date will have a celebration of some kind during the normally scheduled lunchtime.

And if the “before” dates contains the number seven, it’s automatically moved one half-day forward…unless the moon is in the waxing stage.  Then everything gets flip-flopped. (Briefcase of money is easier.)

 The debate is on-going...

happy bday! love, your favorite aardvark

It is a lovely act of kindness when your coworkers remember your birthday. When they hand you a deep-fried and glaze covered donut for breakfast and praise all that is you...for inside of 5 minutes YOU are the king of the cubicles!...the fact that your crown is courtesy of Burger King only makes it more awesome! With the obligatory donut ritual checked off the to-do list, your co-workers return to their desks. But 2pm Lunch Crewers know, the fun doesn't end there! Oh no....secret surprise lunches are planned, decoy traps are laid, decorations are forged by fluorescent light using only the finest clip art available! True, these efforts are made on behalf of your birthday just as much as they are out of self-serving aims to eat Chipotle and play paper football. But what happens when, rightly so, the 2pm hour becomes the highlight of your birthday? Leaving any other attempts by family, friends, or aardvarks to pale in comparison? This year...and by year we mean starting in May...the 2pm Lunch Crew will take a new approach...birthdays will never be the same...and your beloved family and friends, and even a freaking aardvark will receive an instant A+ for their efforts...because for 60minutes of your birthday, from 2pm to 3pm the celebration will revolve around all those things which you DESPISE. For the "global warming is a fraud" fanatic, a "go-green" party...for the tried and true Italian (and by Italian I mean still visits family in Italy)...pasta from Pizza Hut (the finest in Italian cuisine!)...more themes to follow. But take a cue from the 2pm Lunch Crew and do your family, friends, and < if you don't know any aardvarks insert your animal of choice here > a favor and celebrate your most hated things in life at lunch...it will make that store bought cake and bouquet of wilted flowers look a whole lot better when you get home!