Forsake no more California, your heroes have arrived!

Don't let television shows fool you...life in the 90210 zip is rough. It's damn near impossible to find a decent masseuse for your chihauhua, the toilet paper will totally chaff your skin, and there is always an under-abundance of mirrors in which to gaze. The sun makes you sweat unattractively, the sand leaves you feeling dry and gritty (and not in a 'I just had microdermabrasion' kind of way), and the ocean spray screws up your hair despite your $1,500 Extra-Super-Mega Hold Hair Gel. It freakin' sucks.

Nonetheless, there are three modern day heroes braving these apocalyptic conditions to better mankind. Your parents knew Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, and Peter Parker...but YOU have Josh Flagg, Madison Hildebrand and Chad Rogers! Three cut-throat, ball-busting, metrosexual realitors whose shared journey is wrought with personal hygiene products, supersized egos, and a lifetime supply of skinny jeans. All super heroes have to have a day job, so these Los Angeles hotties sling overpriced Hollywood homes by day, and search for a sense of self by night.Thanks to Bravo, the Nickelodeon of today's youth, viewers have shared the pain and struggle Josh, Madison and Chad face daily. Whether it's taking advantage of a grandmother's Holocaust experience for personal gain (buy Josh's book A Simple Girl: Stories my Grandmother Told Me at www.JOSHFLAGGBOOK.com!), combating enemies through passive-aggressive looks of disdain, or convincing bbcakes to sign a joint custody agreement for precious little Starla, audiences are there to hold the hands of California's favorite sons (especially during thunderstorms, which makes more than one of them cry out for mommy.)

Public Television

Just a link today...just watch it and you will understand...for increased amusement, watch it without the sound on!
Sit and Be Fit

The E! True Hollywood Story: True Hollywood Story

How much does one make for compiling an E!True Hollywood Story? Or rather, how much respect does a THS compiler have in the television production world? THS: 18 Worst Hollywood Tragedies....THS: 15 Most Deadly Hollywood Curses....THS: 10 Greatest Stories Ever Told....THS: 12 Best Hollywood Makeovers...there is no LITERALLY no end in sight as each topic is completely devoid of objectivity and the list is out-dated by the time it airs. What's more, each topic needs to be re-addressed every couple of years to incorporate the inevitable NEW worst tragedies and the NEW greatest stories! THS could film the same episode every day, but written by someone different, who would ultimately create a list of 12 OTHER Best Hollywood Slumber Parties! So the vague subjectivity around which the THS franchise has been built is simultaneously it's key to job security.

What is the dialogue in the production meeting like?

Incompetent and clueless male manager (think Keanu Reeves): So....like, what can we talk about this week, Cameron?

Stereotypically ditzy blond female staffer (for these purposes, played by Cameron Diaz): Well, Mr. Reeves, I was thinking we could take the the makeovers episode and re-air it, only this time call it THS: 12 Hollywood Hotties, Before They Were Hott!!!!

Keanu: Camerooooon....we've talked about thissssss....don't call me Mr. Reeves, that makes me feel old...and I can't be old because I haven't accomplished anything yet. But that's a great idea...we should really, really think about doing that...

Sarcastic and overweight male staffer (in complete disregard for the 3rd dimension...played by Eric Cartman): Oh, f*** yeah guys! Let's do it...and next week, why don't we air it again and call it 12 Most Amazing Hollywood Transformations! 

Keanu: Great idea Eric! I dig your thought process....Cameron, make sure you write that one down...

Upstaged-Cameron: Point for the fat guy...

Eric: I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny b****. 

Oblivious Keanu: Great meeting guys...I'm gonna go to Jack in the Box now...you can get breakfast there ALL day!

(*Disclaimer: The 2pm Lunch Crew watches a lot of E! True Hollywood Story.)

Dreaming of Squirreli

Thanks to our resident Italian and the illustrious keymaster, the hot-wired tv featured a Jimmy Fallon clip of the reunited cast of California Dreams today. The easily forgotten step-sister of Saved by the Bell, California Dreams' only saving grace is a catchy theme song about attitudinal surf dudes sleeping in the skin-cancer-causing California sun. Aside from some ABC family movies, the cast has, cumulatively done nothing since 1996...although one of them did gain a decent amount of weight, a fact made all the more noticeable by his decision to shave his head bald. So...with cheap McDonald's food and an off-pitch teen-comedy theme song to eat it by, the 2pm Lunch Crew was content to discuss the elusive Shamrock Shake and the mystery of why it is apparently not a heavily consumed product on the east side. (Socioeconomics is not a contributing factor, as both wealthy non-McDonald fans as well as east-side-poor (not to be confused with regular ole 'poor') drive thru junkies were polled.)

But alas, as in most lunchrooms across the nation, California Dreams gave way to Colbert Vancouverage. Raining on the jovial parade of Colbert zingers, however, was the reemerging squirreli. (Note: the 2pm Lunch Crew has a crippling and debilitating infestation of squirrels, aka...the squirreli. The squirreli are hoarders, constantly in search of nuts to steal and hide, only to lose again. The squirreli are obnoxious and of the grey variety. They are not afraid of humans, but are prone to bite the hand that feeds them, so any and all attempts of domestication should be avoided.) Today, the squirreli argued about nuts and continued their futile search to find a haystack in a pile of needles. (Yes, the squirreli are THAT ridiculous). 

Flippin'

We rigged the tv to the internet yesterday. When I say we, I mean the keymaster and when I say rigged, I mean got a really long cable and some receiver-box-gizmo and connected the tv to a laptop. Now...our television does have cable. However, the Comedy Central schedule is screwed up. They moved the replays of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report to an unacceptable and inconvenient time slot....and yes, I hope a Time Warner corporate executive with scheduling authority is reading this, and yes, by unacceptable and inconvenient I mean a non-2pm slot. So, we Lunch Crewers have been, for some time, without our daily dose of dry wit and sarcastic Onion-esque news.  It's terrible what channel-surfing does to the mind...(ahem, two weeks of curling, remember?!) So, yesterday the tv was hot-wired to the internet where we streamed The Daily Show...and what better episode to watch! It was Interview with a Vampire and a watered-down version of Porky's all rolled into one! And o, did the memories of happier lunches gone by flood back to us!

Today....without our keymaster...we once again flipped channels...watching Kardashians get pummeled for charity, a giant rabbit-like creature confound a pill-popper in the bathroom, and the always entertaining Fight Club which apparently, in way reaches the level of disgusting vulgarity that the book does (this statement has not yet been supported by sound Pictionary evidence). O, but we did determine what clothing an alien wears to conceal the zipper that holds the human shell around his true form! So not a wasted hour after all. 

happy bday! love, your favorite aardvark

It is a lovely act of kindness when your coworkers remember your birthday. When they hand you a deep-fried and glaze covered donut for breakfast and praise all that is you...for inside of 5 minutes YOU are the king of the cubicles!...the fact that your crown is courtesy of Burger King only makes it more awesome! With the obligatory donut ritual checked off the to-do list, your co-workers return to their desks. But 2pm Lunch Crewers know, the fun doesn't end there! Oh no....secret surprise lunches are planned, decoy traps are laid, decorations are forged by fluorescent light using only the finest clip art available! True, these efforts are made on behalf of your birthday just as much as they are out of self-serving aims to eat Chipotle and play paper football. But what happens when, rightly so, the 2pm hour becomes the highlight of your birthday? Leaving any other attempts by family, friends, or aardvarks to pale in comparison? This year...and by year we mean starting in May...the 2pm Lunch Crew will take a new approach...birthdays will never be the same...and your beloved family and friends, and even a freaking aardvark will receive an instant A+ for their efforts...because for 60minutes of your birthday, from 2pm to 3pm the celebration will revolve around all those things which you DESPISE. For the "global warming is a fraud" fanatic, a "go-green" party...for the tried and true Italian (and by Italian I mean still visits family in Italy)...pasta from Pizza Hut (the finest in Italian cuisine!)...more themes to follow. But take a cue from the 2pm Lunch Crew and do your family, friends, and < if you don't know any aardvarks insert your animal of choice here > a favor and celebrate your most hated things in life at lunch...it will make that store bought cake and bouquet of wilted flowers look a whole lot better when you get home!

to curl, or not to curl

Though the lunch crew entered the Winter Olympic season divided (those with intense opening-ceremony-party-planning spirit vs. those with better things to do), the last week has been devoted to the mysterious and elusively-scored game of curling. For those of you as unfamiliar with the sport as we, curling is the fast-paced and high-adrenaline sport, nay, art, of stone sliding. The timeless game was invented by Norwegian cave dwellers shortly following the division of Pangaea and has remained to this day in it's pure unadulterated form. Stones are to be slid down a lane of ice, propelled by the yelling of innuendous phrases. While stones have no finite destination, they do travel in the utmost cleanliness, as two players must sweep all debris from the stone's way. This prevents the rare stones from being scratched, gave cave-wives the opportunity to break in their new brooms, and ensured the safe retrieval of the stone since the sweeper would be present when the stone eventually stopped. Curling is the eldest child of stone throwing sports, closely followed by shot-put; the family favorite, bowling, with it's structured scoring system and snazzy pins, has always garnered the most attention, often leaving curling bitter and lonely....two character traits that are often exemplified by curling players.